Zappos! today shocked the world by following in the footsteps of internet merchant giant Overstock.com in entering the Cryptocurrency sphere. Tony Hsieh, Zappos! CEO, announced today via video and wall of text that Zappos! would issue all refunds in Bitcoin. Zappos! specifically cited the Internal Revenue Service’s Virtual Currency Guidance as their inspiration for this revolutionary business decision. Now that Bitcoins are 100% legal in the eyes of “the man” it only makes sense that Bitcoin be used wherever possible. Shoe returns were the obvious next step for the Bitcoin economy, all of us should be ashamed for not realizing it.
Of course, netizens love Zappos! because of their 365 day, year round acceptance of returns. Well, in private email conversation between myself and Mr. Hsieh, he revealed that Zappos! would not accept returns on January 3rd anymore. The decision, he revealed, was made to honor the release of the Genesis Block by Satoshi Nakamoto on 1/3/2009. Hsieh went on to regale me with a tale of how he met the real Satoshi Nakamoto last month in Macau. According to Hsieh, Satoshi was just sitting there, watching Newsweak’s Leah McGrath Goodman on TV and “laughing his ass off.” Since that fateful meeting, the Zappos! CEO has just been waiting for the perfect time to reveal his conversion from Christianity to Bitcoin.
Here is Zappos!’ 110% serious announcement:
In a surprise turn of events, Zappos.com, the company known for delivering WOW through service, announced all returns would be refunded back to customers in the form of bitcoin.
CEO Tony Hsieh broke the news in front of the company’s Customer Loyalty Team to silence and a few coughs. One employee jumped up in excitement, realizing his digital currency would finally prove to be valuable and not just a hobby as his mom told the neighbors.
“It’s our fifth ‘C,’” noted Hsieh, a bitcoin investor and emerging tech fan. Cryptocurrency will join Culture, Customer Service, Community and Clothing as a pillar of the Zappos.com foundation, allowing Zappos employees to deliver lightning fast refunds before items get back to Zappos.
“When they told me I wasn’t going to get a paycheck, but that the value of these ‘coins’ was going to increase, well, who could say no?” said Customer Loyalty Team member Austin Krautmoor after he discovered his paycheck is also now in bitcoin.
In a shocking turn of events Zappos has announced all downtown establishments will begin to accept bitcoin as it’s only form of payment, causing customers and employees to flock to downtown Las Vegas hoping to cash in on their returns.
“This is the future,” said Hsieh before calling Zappos 24/7 customer support to ask for his refund to come back in cash.
In other 4/1/14 news: Google is hiring a Dogengineer, and Blizzard’s World of Warcraft’s now accepts Dogecoin.